By Anonymous
I was approaching middle age when my husband passed away. Several months later I found myself struggling with my sexuality like I never had before. What had been a beautiful part of married life was no more. I became almost obsessed with thoughts of sex. I had to learn how to handle these thoughts.
Knowing God made us with sexual desires and that what He made is good helped me to not feel guilty for having those desires. I realized it is what we do with them which determines whether they fulfill God’s purposes, or whether they lead into sin. Realizing this helped me to put things into perspective.
I finally learned I had to keep a tight rein on my thought life and not permit myself to indulge in sexual fantasy. It is a whole lot easier to turn away the first thought than to get rid of them after I have indulged in them for awhile.
I discovered that what I feed my mind is essential in this battle. I don’t own a television, but reading is one of my hobbies. I had to learn to be careful about what I read, especially during certain times of the month. Anything that made it easy to fantasize about sex gave me problems. I found I even needed to avoid some Christian novels if they focused too heavily on romantic relationships.
The turning point was when I finally decided to make myself accountable to the ladies in my small prayer group. They were very understanding and this accountability helped me to gain control of this area of my life. I knew that I could not keep my mind pure if I continued to indulge in it.
When my husband died, I had determined that I would not indulge in self pity. Some years later I was having more difficulty than usual in missing the sexual part of marriage until I realized that the source of my struggle was self pity rearing its ugly head.
There were times when I desperately missed a husband’s companionship, and there was nowhere to go with it, except to the Lord. He somehow filled that emptiness with Himself in a way I had never experienced before. He became much more real to me. I would not take anything in exchange for the personal relationship I now have with the Lord, born out of my struggle.
But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof. (Romans 13:14)
Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. (Galatians 5:16)
Traci
That was encouraging!
Joel C. Lucas
Amen and amen and amen again!!!!!
Jane
thank you for sharing this. i am a divorced, christian lady and unfortunately, i wasn’t able to overcome the “pity party” i had going on in my head. i was so in the dumps about my situation, that depression and a real lack of faith that God really cared, put me in a very bad situation. i figured “hey, if God isn’t going to ‘reward’ me for walking with him my whole life (50+ years), then what’s the use?” it left me open to satan’s attacks, and attack he did! i ended up in a (very short) affair with a married man. those three months were the worst time i’ve ever had in life. ever. not to mention the next 2-3 years trying to deal with the shame, guilt and self-hatred i had for choosing to act so dumb. praise God that he helped me through that time and taught me so many lessons, not the least of which was that my desire in wanting to be married again, to not miss out on all that life has to offer, turned into idolatry. and a right. which of course, it isn’t. your comments hit the nail on the head and i hope my experience will be a good warning to others. we must be ever vigilant.
JannaG
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate! I am a divorced, christian lady as well. I started having those kinds of thoughts. I thought “If other people can sin like crazy and just have fun without seemingly any consequences, why shouldn’t I? I’ve been through enough, I deserve to have some fun.” Shortly after I started thinking like that, I met a cute single guy who was interested in me. He was an atheist and I didn’t think we were compatible, so we ended up staying friends. But, we were both lonely and missed the non-sexual touch, so we kept hanging out together alone. We ended up being “friends with benefits.” I felt so guilty, but, at the same time, I also felt hooked. I was sort of hoping in a naive way that sleeping with my hot friend would get the lust out of my system. At the time, it made me crave sexual intimacy even more. Months after it ended, the lessons I learned from this did help me “get it out of my system”, but I probably could have done all that without sinning.
On the other hand, when I was married I remained faithful despite my loneliness and unmet needs. My ex-husband kept cheating on me, despite my efforts to be a beetter wife. His attempts to assuage his own guilt led to him consistently being really rude to me and denying me the touch and affection I so desperately needed. The real reason I remained faithful is because I took responsibility for my actions and shielded myself from temptation by staying away from men. I was also active in church back then and did not let my thinking go down the tubes. I truly believe that Jesus made a statement that could save us a lot of pain when he said “For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.” (Matthew 15:19). I’m responsible for choosing to think the thoughts I did and for choosing to keep being alone with someone I was attracted to. For over a year now, I’ve had much success in not falling into the same sin twice. It’s definitely not because guys stopped tempting me and it’s not because other people changed to accommodate me. It’s because I took responsibility for my own thoughts and actions and let God help me change the one thing I can change – myself.
Moshe
DONT FALL FOR THE LIE OF THE DEVIL:
It doesn’t matter if we’re married or divorced. What is important is that the union of marriage must not be based on sexual desires and lust. One must overcome the lusts of the flesh, even before one gets married, to truly understand Hebrews 13:4.
Burning in flesh is not the nature of the child of God, rather understanding God’s purpose in a marriage beyond lustful satisfaction of the flesh is important. Sense of purity in marriage can come only when we overcome the lusts of flesh by walking in the spirit and not in the flesh anymore (Romans 8:1)
Even in a marriage, many of us behave as whoremongerers and adulterers by not focusing on the Lord and the purity and real intent of marriage. Compulsive behavior or impure sexual thoughts even in a marriage can enslave us to the lusts of flesh, this still can lead us to eternal damnation.
Our character must reflect the repentful nature after we wash ourselves in the blood of Jesus Christ, to understand the purity in a marriage after overcoming the flesh by walking in the spirit of Christ.
We cannot justify marriage, hoping it is a license to righteousness, but believers must enter into the vows of a marriage only after fully understanding the righteousness of Christ, and his indwelling spirit, the inner man who can only live in a holy temple, when there is no more darkness in us. This inner man starts living in us only when we are holy, it’s when we can start appreciating the purpose and plan of an honorable marriage and the bed undefiled.
Marriage is not a license to sin, but a provision for God’s children to fulfill the heavenly purpose of God in Christ as the twain in one flesh. Without spiritual reconcoliation we cannot please God, and we continue to lead a life without remorse by justifying our sinful acts in or outside of a marriage.