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God Sets the Solitary in Families

By Fern Horst

A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land." (Psalm 68:5-6)

I don't profess to know all that God meant when He inspired the Psalmist to write those words. But I do know that through them we catch a glimpse of His heart towards us, especially those of us who are "solitary". At the very least this is a promise that God will never forsake us. But even more it reveals the special place in His heart for those who are alone.

God has created us with a desire for companionship. Naturally we think of having a spouse and children to fulfill this desire. But for those of us who are single, God provides other means for companionship, and other people and ministries to pour ourselves into, than a spouse and children. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married, and there's certainly nothing wrong with getting married, if that is what God wants us to do. But there is also great joy and fulfillment in embracing what we have today.

It is tempting to think that the solution to our loneliness is being placed in a literal family. We tend to think that a romantic relationship would solve all our problems of loneliness and being without companionship. In many ways a good marriage does meet these longings.

But God has also revealed the companionship He wants us as singles to seek and develop: "And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction." (I Cor. 7:35)

His desire for us is not that our single state be a snare and a stumbling block to us, but that it be an opportunity for us to develop a relationship with Him that is undistracted by the earthly relationship of a spouse. He makes it clear that it is not a sin to marry, and elsewhere in the Bible He says it is good when a man finds a wife. But He also reveals His purpose and will for those who don't marry: an opportunity to develop an undistracted relationship with Him.

Having a significant other is not what fills the void in our lives. God made us for companionship, it is true. But above human companionship He wants us to find companionship in relation to Him. Singleness is a unique opportunity to develop a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord, perhaps because we don't have the distraction of trying in vain to become the perfect lover, and adjusting to another's imperfect love, in a human marriage. I've come to realize in my own life that God is the Perfect Lover, the Perfect Father, the Perfect Friend, the Perfect Counselor and more; while I often still think that a human husband would be a great benefit, I have found great comfort in looking for ways in which God is all those things and more to me that I desire in human companionship. Such a perspective also benefits the human relationships I do have, in relieving them of the expectations to be for me what only God can be completely.

God has so much more to give us than a spouse, and that is Himself. He loves us more completely than any human ever could, and knows how to meet the empty places we long to have filled. He may not always do so in a way we would have expected, but it will always be what is best for us and what will bring Him the greatest glory. Often it's not until after we've willingly received what He's given us that we see that it is far better than what we asked for. It's a risk we take to trust Him so completely, but He is also Someone who is fully trustworthy, and Who knows us better than we know ourselves.

For those who are alone, there will probably always be a degree of longing for the companionship and physical touch of another human being. But as we develop a close relationship with God and let go of our preconceived ideas of the way our lives should be, our physical and sexual desires will not seem to be such an overwhelming need. When our basic needs for companionship and belonging aren't met, our sexual desires often become overwhelming to us. When we feel those desires becoming overly intense, it is time to take stock of where we are in other areas of our lives — are we spending time daily with the Lord? Are we aware of His constant presence with us and talk things over with Him as we go about our day-to-day routine? When we neglect our relationships with God and with the people He has provided for us, we tend to become more needy in areas that aren't possible to be righteously fulfilled in our single state.

In his book, Sexual and Celibate, Keith Clark writes, "I know in my heart that a committed celibate life cannot be sustained without regular and prolonged prayer because the relational void of not knowing experientially that I belong to somebody will erode even my most dogged efforts at fidelity." The single life gives us an opportunity to develop a more intimate relationship with the Lord, and in turn that relationship provides the sense of belonging and companionship that enables us to live without a human partner. We can then fully utilize the other opportunities of a single life as we find our basic needs being met in the Lord, as well as His partnership and enabling in serving Him with full abandonment of our own or another's agenda for our lives.

As singles we have before us a challenging journey of learning how to walk more closely with the Lord, and allowing Him to meet our innermost needs of love, acceptance, significance, and belonging. We may still desire marriage and sexual intimacy, and in a sense we should be as they are a natural part of us as humans. But when our sense of significance and belonging is in our relationship with the Lord, these desires won't be such a consuming force which keeps us bound from living and enjoying life as God has given it to us, and from fulfilling the purposes He has for us.

Before we can even start on such a journey, though, we must repent of any rebelliousness and bitterness towards God for withholding marriage from us. The same verse which tells us that God sets the solitary in families, also notes that the rebellious dwell in a dry land. God cannot dwell in close relationship with us when we are rebelling against what He has given us. When we are angry with Him, and when we take the job of fulfilling the agenda for our lives into our own hands, our sense of neediness and loneliness become all the greater and we find ourselves very alone in a "dry land". Surrendering completely to Him and to His way in our lives is the only way to find true fulfillment and a sense of belonging. Life takes on a contentment and fulfillment that is otherwise not possible. In finding purpose in our relationship with our Lord, that deep sense of loneliness leaves, even though we may still be living alone or without a spouse.

As we learn to recognize God's presence in our lives — as His consistency, His complete love, His ability to understand us fully, the fact that He never pulls away, and so on — we learn to recognize God in tangible form in our daily lives. Keeping a journal or list of His faithfulness is one way of developing a deeper awareness of His deep involvement in our lives.

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." (Psalm 27:10) This is a reassurance we have as God's children —when humans forsake us or reject us (and they will in some for or another), it is then that the Lord will be there for us. As Christians, we are never truly alone. We have as our Companion and Provider the God of the universe who is looking out for us more completely than any earthly family member would ever be able to, in spite of their noble intentions. He provides a place of belonging and acceptance in a way that no human can ever give us. And in that sense, if in no other, the Lord sets those of us who are "solitary" in families.

© 2000 Fern Horst

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    To Know Him by Fern Horst
    Needs, Desires and God's Promises by Fern Horst

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