Hi Nancy,
Thank you for asking how I'm doing. Time does go on & people forget... no longer ask how I'm doing or how my sisters are doing -- occasionally some will ask about my dad (mainly people at church because the church has had both my parents on the prayer requests since last summer, now it's just my dad but they are still being faithful to remembering to pray for him).
When I lost my sister there was such a horrible feeling inside of me that lasted for a long time. I know the circumstances were different - it was unexpected, she chose to take her life so there was an extreme amount of feelings of guilt, I was off for the summer so I had all that time to think about it... With my mom, for so many years each time she was admitted to the hospital prayers were being lifted up for her asking God to once again spare her life. There was always so much relief & joy when God showed us mercy & extended her life once again. We always were wondering, "is this it?" Plus, this year at school has been a difficult year for ALL the teachers (so at least I'm in good company there) I haven't had time just to think, but maybe that's good because then I'm not dwelling on things I don't need to that will only make me become depressed. It has been so hard one teacher just recently quit & several teachers will be taking early retirement at the end of this school year.
Many people tell me they forget their mom has died and will start to call her. Maybe I'm negative & morbid but that is all I think about. I seem to never forget I don't have her anymore. If something happens my thoughts are, "I can't call my mom & tell her because I don't have her anymore. So, who can I call?" People also tell me they start to forget things. My mom had a great laugh. I hope I can always hear that inside my head. When I'd go down to help take care of her I'd try to remember funny things that happened that week with my students just to hear her laugh & try to brighten her day.
She gave me her wedding ring. Every morning I put it on I remember her. Every time at work I look at it I think of her. It's not a deep, dark depression or anything like that... just an awareness that I no longer have her. My sisters took all her clothes (I didn't get any of them) so it's something I can daily wear to remember her, to remember she loved me, to feel close to her.
When I go shopping and see things I knew she'd like or I use to buy her or special things with MOM or MOTHER written on it I think, "Never again will I be able to buy something like that for my mom." That makes me a little sad. However, sometimes buying those things were difficult too especially if they talked about being best friends & always being able to tell mom everything. My mom was very generous - always remembering everyone's birthdays, always wanted to buy gifts that that person would really like, always made sure her daughters had the things we needed, would remember things about people and ask them questions. Last March when she got out the hospital & in a really bad way the ladies that clean her house came to see her. She asked one of them how her sister with cancer was doing. She'd get upset when she thought I was being treated unfairly at work or wasn't being treated fairly in other ways. We may not have been best friends, but as I listen to friends talk about not only their childhood, but their adult life & problems with their parents or I look at the lives of many of my students...the relationship I had with my mom & dad was rich in deed.
Girl scout cookies just came out... my mom loved the shortbread & thin mints...so when I saw the little girls selling them yesterday I thought of my mom. In one way it brings a smile to my heart remembering how my mom enjoyed them & would be happy when I'd give her some boxes, but it also made me sad thinking I can no longer bless her in that way.
When we had a bad snow storm a while back I knew the phone wouldn't ring that day with my mom asking how I was doing with "ALL that snow" and making sure I had enough food in the house. There are nights I dream about her (like last night) still being alive and I wake up confused because the dream seemed so real.
We are off for Spring Break right now and I feel... not sure... it's different... I'd always go visit my parents. I still see my dad (although he isn't doing well - recently got out of the hospital - he requires 24 hr. care so someone is always with him - health care providers, one of my sisters, or me), but it's different. Their house is so.... empty... so quiet.
One sweet thing one of my student's mom did for me right before Valentine's was I had mentioned to her about missing my mom because of what my mom did for me last Valentine's Day. I had also told her I had been watching our family home movies (my dad made them into videos -- he & my mom narrated them -- their conversation was sweet & at times humorous & there was my mom's laugh). When I was telling her what I was going to do for the kids for the party she said she'd do the strawberries. I told her that's was okay, but I'd do them. I didn't want her to spend all that money (plus she has 3 other kids) I was having the students' bring in money for them anyway. She kept insisting so I let her. This week she came to the classroom to pick her son up early and asked how things were going. It finally dawned on me... she wanted to do the strawberries because she knew I was missing my mom.
I know you probably just wanted to hear, "I'm doing fine..." didn't need a lengthy reply. But thank you for asking Nancy.
Hope things are going well for you. Have a blessed weekend.
