Many people make resolutions at the beginning of the New Year. Usually these resolutions are attempts at "improving one's self" = lose weight, start exercising, eat healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking... The goal is to make lasting changes for the better ~ breaking free of bad habits. Making resolutions (setting goals) is a good thing. However, it seems when making those resolutions we tend to rely on our own human ability. Also, the New Year can renew our hope ~ we hope things will be different, that they will be better. The New Year is a fresh start ~ a new beginning.
For me, as a Christian, my "resolutions" (goals, decisions, purpose) should be to become more like Jesus everyday ~ transformed into the image of Christ ~ to "make" changes that have an eternal significance. I continue to fail at it miserably. I wonder how different my life looks to others. Do they see a positive difference? Do I respond to things differently? Does my "light" shine brightly before others? Is the love of Christ manifested in me in such a way that it draws others to God? I am sad to say I don't think my life looks that much different to others except for the thing they notice I don't do (drink, smoke, curse {at least not in front of people}, go to certain movies). What they notice shouldn't be about what I don't do, but how I love others ~ how kindly I treat them.
There are verses that do give me hope that I can change - become more Christlike. Of course, my heart & motivation needs to be right. My motivation should be to honor God with my life and give Him all the glory. Not to have the goal be so others will like me and think I'm a wonderful Christian.
Some verses I find encouraging are:
"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
"fogetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12 & 14
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
"And you will seek Me, and find Me, when you shall search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13 & 14
Last year (09) ended sadly & '10 has started out rough. My mom died 26 days ago. I don't think it hasn't fully hit me yet, but I do miss her. When I go to the store and see the greeting cards it seems that the ones for "Mom" jump out at me. I've never noticed so many cards for "Mom" before. Never again will I be able to buy my mom a card or give her flowers. I loved giving her flowers. When she'd tell me I shouldn't spend my money on flowers for her, I'd tell her something like I want to give them to her now while she was a live so she could enjoy them. My parents' house is soooooo quiet - seems so empty. I don't feel I have been able to really grieve my mom's death or maybe it just hasn't fully hit me yet, or maybe God has given me an extraordinary amount of comfort & peace or maybe its due to all the horrible things going on at work or maybe I didn't really love my mom & I'm coldhearted & selfish (stuff at work is really reinforcing my feelings).
My dad's health is still up & down - he has his good days and not so good days.
While I was out of work for my mom's funeral & the few days she was in the hospital before hand, I missed two weeks of work & one of my students had a difficult time. This child has special needs & had several meltdowns. I am having to put things back together again and I feel I don't have the time or energy for this. I feel things were handle poorly and it lead to her really regressing. I don't want to sound like a parent who is in denial about her child, I know she struggles with certain things, but not like this and I feel I'm having to clean up the mess. I've been given a time schedule to have certain things in place & I feel with everything else going on this is not the priority. There is not enough time in the day for me to do everything.
The biggest thing, most difficult struggle right now isn't grieving over my mom, but I'm being accused of something at work that is a blatant lie - to me it seems slanderous. I'm not alone in this lie however; three other colleagues are being accused of this too. It is not true of any of us. There might be partial truth towards one person, but not the three of us.
When the allegations first came I was not worried in the least, I had peace. I knew they were not true. I know God is my defender, He'd take care of me. Even as the lie continued and began to grow and there was an investigation I believed the truth would come out. I wasn't worried. I told the truth at the investigation. I believed the committee would see that.
Now I don't even know how to respond because the lie is so outrageous. I'm not really angry, but I am depressed - extremely saddened by all of this. It saddens me that someone (a person I work with - someone I trusted - an adult) would tell such a hurtful, spiteful, destructive lie that not only can damage our reputation (and I feel it has - some people are treating me differently at work), but could result in something bigger. It saddens & scares me that others believe this outlandish lie. It makes me wonder what people really think of me to believe I would do what's being alleged. Two of the women have strong personalities & at times are aggressive & short with others, but even with them... It is so ridiculous what is being said that we supposedly did. I can't believe that others would believe that any adult person could do this. It is so.. so... I can't think of the right adjective... What is being said that we did is beyond cruel. If any adult would actually do what we're being accused of that person would not only be exceedingly immature but have some serious mental problems. The behavior we're being accused of shouldn't be a part of anybody's character.
I keep telling myself it's okay because God is in control, He is my defender, all things work together for the good, to not fear man. I know God knows I didn't do this. I'm wondering how am I supposed to respond to this in a godly manner? As Christians we are commanded to love all men and forgive them - to show them grace & mercy. Not knowing who accused us, how do I do that? I'm not even sure how many people are accusing us about this - so many lies are being told.
I'm not even sure what I should or should not say to others - especially the other three women involved. These three women are close friends (I guess the world would say I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm looking at it as it's no surprise to God I was where I was supposed to be because it gave me time to be with my mom before she died). Two of them are responding in an angry way and using very strong language.
The world would say "everything happens for a reason". The Christian says, "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." The world would say, "Don't let them push you around. Stand up for your rights. Fight this. Get angry. Don't forgive those people, you did nothing wrong". Jesus tells us to "forgive 70 times 7 and to turn the other cheek, to let God fight my battles, to pursue peace with all people". The world says, "What goes around comes around". God tells us we reap what we sow. Even though I did not do what is being said is this a form of reaping for past sins I've committed? Right now I am feeling as if I'm being punished for past sins or not being a godly woman and for dragging Jesus name through the mud. I'm questioning my salvation, "Am I truly saved? I haven't really changed in all these years. If I truly was that godly example people would see it they wouldn't tell such a hurtful lie." I see all the things I don't do that I really should be doing as a Christian. I think of how ugly and mean and sinful my thoughts & heart can be (others don't know) and I wonder if I'm being punished for that - being a hypocrite. But I don't think my feeling of "God is punishing me" lines up with Scripture, but then I wonder about the sowing & reaping. I am wondering how this is going to work out for good because it keeps getting worse. The person or persons that are lying will not tell the truth now - there is too much at stake - they could lose their job & possibly their license.
Several colleagues told me (not sure how true it is) that during their interview they expressed that they had a hard time believing I would do something like that. It makes me feel somewhat better and I thought that would be noticed by the people doing the investigation, but it hasn't.
People ask me how I'm doing. I'm really not sure. Apart of me feels depressed, not depressed enough that I'd considered taking my own life - too fearful of that (how would God judge me and what would others think), but I sure wish I had never been created. I am really hating myself right now. I feel embarrassed because some people are believing this lie. I feel ashamed that they'd believe it - obviously I'm doing something wrong for it to seem plausible. Apart of me is in disbelief this is happening. And I feel I haven't really grieved over my mother's death which makes me wonder if I really loved her - maybe my heart is so wicked so selfish I don't love or care about anyone. I also feel a bit numb & not real sure how I should be feeling.
This post started out to be about New Year's Resolutions. Guess it's turned into another self-pity post. But I do ask for your prayers. Please pray for this situation at work that the truth some how will come out and that I will respond in a godly fashion and that God would be glorified in this.
If anyone has a background in law, as a Christian should I do anything if so what (three letters have been written against us & will be placed in our file)? Am I allowed to know who made these allegations (it was not a criminal investigation)? Many procedures were not followed correctly. There is a meeting scheduled for Monday when we will receive the third letter a letter of concern for what we did. I did not do anything. None of us did what they are saying, but they do not believe us. We have not been told what proof they have other than "he said she said" type of thing.
When I think how can things get worse...I weighed myself today - I have gained 10 pounds in less than three weeks. How is that humanly possible - adds to my depression - I'm not eating that much more (if I knew how to add a smile and a laughing smile it'd go here).
