Fern, I love that question. It is very thought provoking. I was reading it and thinking," I know what I should answer. I know what the right biblical answer should be for a person who has trusted Christ, put their faith in Him, and claims to be a believer. "
I thought about the ways that I God has changed me the last 12 years being single after divorce. I thought about how I would have answered five years ago , and now.
As I grown in my faith , I have started to understand that in the past I might have had intellectual accent to Truth, and agreed, but my flesh 's arguments still had a pull on my emotions. I might have said, " Yes, yes, of course I want to please God above everything else !" I think I wanted to want to. But , in depression, doubt, self- pity, anger about my life in Christ not unfolding the way I think it should go, my emotions betrayed my hope of being a faithful Christian who obeyed in my heart. I might have had outward obedience, enough self -control not to sleep with every man I wanted to sleep with , but in my heart, in my mind, my lust was telling God what I really thought of Him. I thought God was very mean to deny me a very natural basic need.
I got to the point where I was miserable. Having people ask me questions I could not possibly answer- constantly asking me why I was not married. It hurt and I had no answer. I just felt humiliated and embarrassed. I usually say something like," I am trusting God for that" and then go off and get angry and have a conversation with God : " Yeah, God , how come I have to be abstainate? You know me really well God, and know that I enjoy men very much. Why did you pick this for ME? Why is everyone ( the lie) else having fun, enjoying all the benefits of romantic love except me? "
Of course, in reality, everyone else is not having this amazing married sex, and a deep intimate friendship I long for. I just thought it made a good argument. Maybe so God would feel more sorry for me? Of course, that is silly, but being human is just a humbling experience. Now, God and I laugh at my silly thoughts, and my silly childlike claims about "everyone, and how come I can not have--- whatever it is. "
I often threatened God , and complained of His unfairness towards me. However, when I was in church, or talking with other Christians I felt this was unacceptable to express. Those times, I did, other people seem to doubt I was saved for even daring to ask questions, or perhaps, it was because they had no answers either.
I can honestly say now, after working through the 12 steps for co- dependency that I know God does really love me and will stop at nothing to capture my heart. Even if it means I have to go through misery.
For me, it boiled down to the nitty gritty- the question I have to keep asking myself when my longing gets so intense I do not think I can obey one second longer: " Do I believe that I matter to Him, and that He knows Everything"
If He is Omnipresent, and Perfect, then my arguments with Him are , well, stupid. It boils down to the basic -Do I trust Him, or not?
I think He has answered me through these 12 years by showing me day by day He is trustworthy. It was not a place I came to all at once. He showed me day in and day out of 12 years of very difficult circumstances He was very real, very able, and very faithful. He did not tell me, He showed me.
I finally "got it" after many years struggling to deal with my sexual appetite, my longing for a companion, being a parent by myself - everything that God really does know each day what is very best for me. My arguing with Him about something as sacred as marriage is dumb.
I had secret rebellion against God, some really immature responses to my life. Questioning His Way, His methods , calling them stupid in my heart. Now, at 41, with no appropriate prospect in sight, no man I seriously was interested in has pursued me, I have to say more than anything else, I want the thrill of knowing my life had purpose and that I ran my race well. I realize the integrity and character I have had to raising children by myself, and having a profession, are the things only God could give me. It is all I have worth anything.
He had exposed my many flaws, my immaturity, my rebellion, my defects of character as a woman with no husband, in a way that having a husband might have prevented. I have had to become the spiritual leader in my home. I had to be the Priest in my home, and to step up and make decisions I never wanted the responsibility for, and longed for a man to do that. I have even thought God was in error placing me in this position to have to. Apparently God thinks much more of my womanhood than some church folks. I have learned that God is into strong women- women who get their strength from Him. Women who, no matter what or where, or how tempted, or how challenged , will bow down and accept His Leadership, obeying no matter what the consequence to self. In fact, often I have had to make choices that were akin to stabbing myself in the heart because it was the right thing to do, and what God was asking me to do. Even if my flesh hated me for it.
Only God knows what He is making when He molds me. I have no idea. I do not have to figure it all out! What a relief. I had become a miserable wreck trying to make some sense out of what God was doing and why. I have settled into the fact that I am not God and can not know the whys.
Five years ago, I would have had to say that if God was good, and loved me He would bring me a man I adore. I still desire my companion, and miss him, but where ever he is, I know His good and Loving Heavenly Father is unfolding His life perfectly also, in the most loving way possible. Who ever he is He is God's first and foremost. God knows how to test the heart of a person better than I ever could. Where ever he is , I know He is safe in the Hands of all knowing God.
I know that since God loves me, He can help me every minute with every need I have- no matter what that is. Sometimes that need is for me to correct my thinking, to alter my perspective, to help me process real feelings of grief, sadness and disappointment.
As much as I have desired a partner, I also, being divorced know how tough marriage can be. It can be Heaven on earth or the other option. I lived the other in my first marriage. That I keep in mind. I would rather be single, than stuck in an unloving, painful, intensely lonely marriage. I have been there, and there is no single loneliness that compares to that.
God is all knowing and Perfect. No question. He is right, though my flesh and my heart may fail me, God is the strength of my life.
I am amazing at the work He has done in my heart! He is so faithful, and does give me the desires of my heart - Him! Not only do I want to want Him first and foremost - I really do! It is a miracle.
Thanks for letting me share.
Blessings, Rami
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