To marry or not to marry?
This question is eventually posed in every women's or single's ministry I've ever belonged. The discussion usually encourages singles with the truth that "Jesus is all we need" while advising us to work on "finding wholeness in Christ" as we wait for a mate. The concern I have with this sometimes dismissive wisdom is that it immediately dispenses a pat solution without genuinely addressing the expressed feelings of a lonely and longing Christian single.
The Spirit brings life to whatever He touches. “Dead” information sometimes hurts or frustrates the hearer because it offers truth apart from revelation. Moving from mental knowledge to revelation of the truth that Jesus Himself can fully complete us is a process that begins bearing fruit in the single believer’s life through intimate encounters with the Living Christ. The truths of God’s Word come alive in our hearts through the quickening of His Holy Spirit. We must spiritually "touch the hem of His garment" to receive our revelation, comfort or healing.
Jeremiah 1:4-5 and 16:1-2 (Amplified Bible)
Then the Word of the Lord came to me [Jeremiah], saying, before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations....The Word of the Lord came also to me, saying, You shall not take a wife or have sons and daughters in this place [Jerusalem].
Another problematic issue in how the Church treats adult singles is that we rarely address the possibility that some Christians are called to remain single—not through fate or by man's religious authority—but by Jesus Himself. As the realization of this truth gradually occurs in a single believer's life, there can be an emotional "death" concerning one's dreams and aspirations that produces years of inner struggle. Where does one turn for reassurance and guidance within the Church community when experiencing this unique area of dying to self?
And if some are thus called to singleness—whether for a season or a lifelong, pre-ordained reason—should not singleness be as routinely affirmed a noble calling as is marriage and child rearing? When one's calling is routinely affirmed, it is more likely to be embraced rather than seen as a detrimental life condition to be endured or overcome.
Ezekiel 16:7-9 (New King James Version)
I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD. “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil.
I am 45 years old and have never been married. As odd as this may seem to others, I can assure you that this reality is most ironic to me. My earliest aspiration was to be a wife and mother. I began regularly caring for children as a preteen, and during my teen years, I purchased a hope chest and continually filled it with keepsakes to enjoy with my future husband and children. I initially chose an academic career path which involved meeting the needs of children and families. Even when I veered off my earlier path to pursue a master's degree and a more lucrative career in a medical profession, I saw this move as providing an ideal opportunity to marry a doctor who would love and provide for me and our children.
In my early thirties, just as it seemed I would begin realizing many of my dreams, Jesus abruptly interrupted my self-directed life and drew me to Himself. One of my first and most profound memories following my conversion was being awakened very early one morning to discern the Lord’s still small voice comforting my heart with the promise: "Your deepest desire already belongs to you." Betraying my spiritual and emotional immaturity, my first thought was that God was promising me a husband! Finally! I was certain God was revealing that He had chosen the perfect mate for me who would soon rescue me from my loneliness and complete me.
Psalm 25:13-15 (Amplified Bible)
The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning.
As the years passed and no husband materialized, I tried incessantly to figure out the impression the Holy Spirit left on my heart. Though I often prayed for a definitive answer, no immediate revelation was forthcoming. Periodically, I convinced myself of different possible meanings and attempted to test them out.
They all fell short.
Though I did not initially comprehend it, Jesus was indeed responding to my appeals for clarity. Immediately after drawing me, the Holy Spirit set about to teach me that all I needed emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and provisionally could be received through union with Him. He led me to scripture upon scripture to reveal the many times God presented Himself as Divine Husband. And through sovereignly ordered circumstances, He proved Himself faithfully as my Head, Covering, Comforter, Protector, Provider, Rescuer, Vindicator, Friend, Confidante, Teacher, Healer and Helper. On that early morning at the beginning of my Christian walk, Jesus was revealing that my deepest need and longing was HIMSELF.
My heart has newly awakened to the Lord’s desire that I enjoy an intimate bond with Him. He no longer wants me to feel "incomplete" - as though missing out on the intimacy, security, provision or protection I was previously convinced could only be experienced through marriage. What a joy to discover tha I can know Him in this manner. As my Lord, it came easy to relate to Jesus as a submitted follower. Yet He also desires that I relate to Him as my Beloved—One Who seeks my intimate relationship. This became more evident to me as His loving overtures toward me did not diminish despite a slew of my mistakes, missteps, misunderstandings, falls, failures and foolish behavior. How humbling it was to realize that the Holy Spirit was wooing me! For the first time in my life I felt more than generally loved as one of a multitude—I felt individually cherished.
Psalm 68:6 (Amplified Bible)
God sets the lonely in families...
God indeed knows us better than we know ourselves. I suspect that He even places our deepest desires within our hearts so that as we learn to delight in Him, they are fulfilled as only He can arrange! Although I've never had the blessing of rearing my own children, Jesus has been merciful to allow me the special privilege of nurturing, teaching and being an instrumental influence in the spiritual, moral and physical upbringing of hundreds of children. And though I've never experienced my "hope chest" family, the Lord has been gracious to make me a "member of the heart" within many families.
Galatians 4:26-28 (Amplified Bible)
But the Jerusalem above (the Messianic kingdom of Christ) is free, and she is our mother. For it is written in the Scriptures, Rejoice, O barren woman, who has not given birth to children; break forth into a joyful shout, you who are not feeling birth pangs, for the desolate woman has many more children than she who has a husband. But we, brethren, are children [not by physical descent, as was Ishmael, but] like Isaac, born in virtue of promise.
From an eternal perspective, single believers can rejoice in the Kingdom principal of “spiritual parenthood" as God provides us many opportunities to participate in drawing others to Christ and disciple those maturing in faith. In this manner, God has made it entirely possible for a believer who may never wed and bear natural children to supernaturally "birth" or “raise up” many more children for the Kingdom than one who enjoys the blessings of a spouse and natural family.
1 Corinthians 7:25 and 7:32-35 (Amplified Bible)
Now concerning the virgins (the marriageable maidens) I have no command of the Lord, but I give my opinion and advice as one who by the Lord's mercy is rendered trustworthy and faithful.......My desire is to have you free from all anxiety and distressing care. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord--how he may please the Lord; But the married man is anxious about worldly matters--how he may please his wife-- And he is drawn in diverging directions [his interests are divided and he is distracted from his devotion to God]. And the unmarried woman or girl is concerned and anxious about the matters of the Lord, how to be wholly separated and set apart in body and spirit; but the married woman has her cares [centered] in earthly affairs--how she may please her husband. Now I say this for your own welfare and profit, not to put [a halter of] restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly and in good order and to secure your undistracted and undivided devotion to the Lord.
Understanding that my singleness can be a pleasing sacrifice to God which affords me greater opportunities for undivided devotion and may even serve His unique purposes for my life gives me an abiding peace that overrides my natural desire to be married and bear children. I am now able to leave room for the possibility that God may have predesigned a path of service for me that is best suited to someone who remains single and unconstrained by the added responsibilities that come with marriage and raising a family.
1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (Amplified Bible)
But I am saying this more as a matter of permission and concession, not as a command or regulation. I wish that all men were like I myself am [in this matter of self-control]. But each has his own special gift from God, one of this kind and one of another. But to the unmarried people and to the widows, I declare that it is well (good, advantageous, expedient, and wholesome) for them to remain [single] even as I do. But if they have not self-control (restraint of their passions), they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame [with passion and tortured continually with ungratified desire].
I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that I still carry the lingering hope that I will someday meet that special someone—if it's God's will. I am still not free from feelings of hurt and even passing jealousy as I witness many believers around me enjoying married life or raising children. In moments of rebellion, my heart sometimes betrays me with cries of, "Why not me, Lord?
There are many hard lessons that are more easily learned and much of my flesh that I'm convinced would have been more readily killed by the experiential wisdom that comes through marriage and parenthood. For instance, my dearest friends who are mothers will often tell me how easy it was for them to grasp and receive God's forgiveness because of their constant dealings with their own children. Yet because I did not have such a powerful experiential witness, I often struggled with condemnation and fear that my Abba Father would take His love away from me if I failed Him. God had to teach me everything by His responses to me in every situation.
Then He had to teach me to trust His responses!
In His omniscience, the Lord mercifully withheld those blessings I most desired to provide what I most needed. By not allowing me those additional foundations of support, Jesus has progressively confirmed in my unstable heart the unshakeable sureness of my Foundation in Him. I now give God the glory for an empowering grace to finally rest in my singleness—should that be His ultimate plan for my life. This is the gift of which the Apostle Paul speaks. Now, my soul most often cries out: "May I know Him as intimately as Mary of Bethany!" Every believer who is single in Christ can take comfort in knowing that our Lord's grace is indeed sufficient in our present calling to singleness—whether it lasts for a season or proves eternal.
Proverbs 20:24 (New International Version)
A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?
A married sister in Christ expressed this sentiment: "Each calling has its strengths and its challenges. A married woman may see her single counterpart as having more of herself to consecrate exclusively to the Lord and greater freedom to go wherever the Lord needs her. A single woman sees the love and companionship a man shares with his wife and may long to edify the Body by raising godly children into adulthood. Both may ponder what they are missing. Yet if we each keep our focus on Jesus while pressing deeper into Him, He is able to give life abundantly in whatever situation we find ourselves."
To marry or not to marry?
We who are single in Christ only discover the right answer to this question as we continually seek our Heavenly Father's wisdom, pray for His grace, rest in His sovereign love, cleave through worship, remain sensitive to His guidance, trust in His timing…
…and willingly surrender the details to Him.
