What do you do with your desire for physical intimacy?

[Daniela]

I would be interested how other Christians deal with the physical aspects of protracted singleness. After all, the Lord created us with a desire for sexual fulfillment. How do you channel this? I heard that it's possible to put the sex drive "to rest" until the right person comes. I'm sure it has a lot to do with one's thought life. But how do you deal with it without falling into the trap of sexual impurity? I would be grateful for any input.

[Rx]

...I'm sure it has a lot to do with one's thought life...

  Partly, no doubt. Let me run with that first:

Think of a fully disciplined child in a candy store:  Is the thought gone? I dont think so, maybe,  but surely the SECOND thought is gone, and therefore the ACT is not an issue.

Paul says you "should abstain from fornication". 

Was Jesus tempted? Absolutely.  But he says "take up your cross", why?

Think of a child again. Do you grab the child by the neck and shake them until they say "I LOVE YOU"?  Never. 

 But when your obedience is difficult it is like WILLINGLY saying "I love you" to the Lord, who's loving limits are very specific. I have a feeling it will always be difficult, so that we always have the opportunity to say it.

 The harder something is, the more clearly you announce your love when you see it thru.  Just don't "walk on hot coals"  to see if you can prove your love.

A similar question: Does a dead man feel pain? What about a "living sacrifice" ? Both are dead men. One lives for the glory of his Master. Pain and pressure are tools for living to that end. 

...every one of you should know how to
 possess his vessel in sanctification and honour...

...anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God
 like a little child will never enter it...

[Hawk]

It's a good question without an adequate answer. This is hardest part about being unmarried. There's no God-approved way to express sexuality outside of marriage. Without a spouse, there's also no good regular way to experience the touch of another person.

[UndividedDevotion11]

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. For myself, I find that the times when I feel the most frustrated and tempted are when I'm not spending enough time with Lord. True intimacy is only found with Christ. Although, it is written "it is not good for man to alone" Jesus' death symbolizes God's desire to have all of us. Not just part of us. But All: heart, body, mind, spirit...all. I'm struggling with the whole sexual temptation thing myself and honestly it's an attack of the enemy and a reality of the sinful nature within me, but this I do know: When I allow the Lord into my heart and into that dark corner of my heart that wants physical gratification, He grants me peace and He calms the storm. Only Jesus can truly satisfy. Read God's word and you will be "transformed by the renewing of your mind" and get deeper in your prayer life. That will change you from the inside out. I don't mean to preach at you...honestly, I'm preachin to myself.

[Rx]

 A couple times a year I bore everyone by pulling an oldie out of my hat. This one reminded me of this thread: As always, its not about how I am. Its about how I should be.    (few mods:)

* * * * * * *
Changed this scripture to put YOU in the driver seat: Read as if you are writing it to someone:

"For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?

You are already filled, you have already become rich, you have become kings without us; and indeed, I wish that you had become kings so that we also might reign with you.

For, I think, God has exhibited us apostles last of all, as men condemned to death; because we have become a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men.

We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are prudent in Christ; we are weak, but you are strong; you are distinguished, but we are without honor.

To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, and are poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; and we toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now.

I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.

For if you were to have countless tutors in Christ, yet you would not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. "

One of the chief concerns of many singles, time and again, is a complete reversal on the view that Paul and Jesus took.  We look upon ourselves and then to society's standard for us. Back and forth, sizing up, weighing ourselves in the crooked balance of the world. We ask, "why am I not married," while the dark cloud of self-doubt hovers overhead. In the scripture above we see Paul stressing that his worth as an apostle, if it were based on worldly standards, would place him on the lowest possible level of life, and yet if assayed by a godly and eternal standard, Paul's worth is suddenly and remarkably transformed to something greater than pure gold.

Why do we have our heads in the sand of denial?  Hear our Master:

"...some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Does this say, "he that is able to receive marriage let him receive it"? No. The word "able" infers that a maximum of effort has been exerted prior to the assessment. Paul agrees with this line of thinking in these words:

"But if they cannot contain, let them marry." The emphasis here is that the maximum effort has made it evident that the single person is "un-able". These statements are evidence that remaining single should be the goal, but the concession for the unable being that it is "not sin ... let them marry".  This in no way disregards that, for the Kingdom of heaven's sake, singleness is the better way.

When was the last time you heard a married couple admit, as though marriage were the second choice, "we could not contain so we married," or, "we were unable to receive celibacy so we married," or even, "we were burning with lust so we married"?  Do you see the reversal that has happened here? We are convinced that self-fulfillment is the end goal of our short lives here. Almost any married couple will unknowingly affirm that their priority was not motivated in scripture. Just ask yourself whether most marriages are sought for self, or rather as an alternative to the unattained ministry of singleness. Quite obviously the common answer is that no reverent attempt is ever made to "attain" singleness as the ultimate goal at all.

The result of this self oriented thinking utterly ignores God's actual purpose for marriage, and instead places that purpose in the position of a secondary by-product, if consciously regarded at all.  But God's Word came partly through Malachi and Paul, in essence saying, "First of all remember who owns you. Men do not join the two, I do, and I do so for a good reason: I want you to raise godly children. And that desire applies to every child. Therefore I join you during sexual intercourse. Even for the child of a harlot I demand this, so let NO man ever enage this joining in sin, or risk threatening that joining by poor choices or self centered living". (KTV)

Neither Paul or our Savior say that marriage for virgins or widows is sin. But we should take much more interest in the emphases that are given:

"...attend upon the Lord without distraction"...

"For ye have not many fathers [in Christ]."

Another  "OLDIE"  poem about those who forbear for the Kingdom sake:

Better to give...

Where are the harvesters,
Those without distraction,
That are not focused on one kernel
but on harvesting the sheaves?

The ache in their breasts they feel,
but do not fill it up,
only to sit down with the satisfied...
Rather, it reminds them of
A world of ache in a world of hurting hearts.

The Almighty could impart peace to the afflicted,
but He said, "the poor you have always with you".
He is no sadist,
since the help implied is you.

But the ache lives on,
with the desire to guard special ones and bring them close;
Is it a mistrust of their Rock?
Did He not make them all?  Why do you choose one?  For yourself?
Do you desire to endanger those you cherish?
Show them how to reap life,
lest when you depart, their dependence may overwhelm them.

Hungering and thirsting,
committing your love to all,
but aware that the passion to bring relief to a jar of clay
requires special caution.

[Rx]

If my thoughts feel... unconnected to the reality
we should bounce this around more and I'll sit on my hands.

One practical thought crossed my mind tho.
Sometimes giants are quelled in seven days,
sometimes it takes 40.

I think the people that suffer from this attack
are like green aliens to those who don't;
as with any oppression.

Men at ease have contempt for misfortune...

[Johnny1979]

i dunno what to say this has been a problem for me when me and my wife were just boyfirend and girlfriend. I strugged with this alot. I am now separated from her. She has a boyfriend now and I am getting to know someone new. Knowing her makes me regret getting married too soon.
We laugh we talk we can relate. Sometimes I think i wasnot meant for the kingdom of God the choices that I have made the challenge put in front of me and i have failed.
It is just proof to say that I am not a christian.
I love my wife but I didnt have the patience to deal with her. So I cheated on her for spite. We arein family court now. I have been angry and bitter for a long time. Sometimes I have struggles still that my marriage is over. I am talking to female now who likes me and we get along pretty well.
Her ways dont provoke me to anger and she knows how to use her tongue in a non provoking manner and we see eye to eye on alot of things. I am happy with her. i know being wirh her i will go  to hell.  But i have already given up on the christian faith. I am not figthing a battle that i cant win since i ont get my family back in the end Christ is not worth living for.
I needto have something worth my while if iam going to fight for something not to be celibate for the rest fo my life. What can I say the devil won

[ThyWillBeDone]

i dunno what to say this has been a problem for me when me and my wife were just boyfirend and girlfriend. I strugged with this alot. I am now separated from her. She has a boyfriend now and I am getting to know someone new. Knowing her makes me regret getting married too soon.
We laugh we talk we can relate. Sometimes I think i wasnot meant for the kingdom of God the choices that I have made the challenge put in front of me and i have failed.
It is just proof to say that I am not a christian.
I love my wife but I didnt have the patience to deal with her. So I cheated on her for spite. We arein family court now. I have been angry and bitter for a long time. Sometimes I have struggles still that my marriage is over. I am talking to female now who likes me and we get along pretty well.
Her ways dont provoke me to anger and she knows how to use her tongue in a non provoking manner and we see eye to eye on alot of things. I am happy with her. i know being wirh her i will go  to hell.  But i have already given up on the christian faith. I am not figthing a battle that i cant win since i ont get my family back in the end Christ is not worth living for.
I needto have something worth my while if iam going to fight for something not to be celibate for the rest fo my life. What can I say the devil won

Johnny.   
I've been in enough relationships to know, that when they fail, regardless of the reasons, it can leave scars in our soul...   
Sometimes in life, we bring things upon ourselves, by our own sin, & by our own actions.     That's why the Bible says be sure your sin will find you out.   We do indeed reap what we sow.  But at other times, things happen to us that we have no control over.
One day we will *ALL* stand before the judgment seat of Christ----btw, that makes *HIM* the *ONLY* One worth living for----not anyone, or anything down here---& at that time, we won't have to account for others actions, only our own.   
SO I urge you, above all else, get right with Christ.  There is *STILL* time.   God is a God of 2nd chances, a God of mercy, & *FORGIVENESS*.  Which is  a good thing too, otherwise, we'd all be in hell!  (NONE of us is perfect!   See Romans 3:10-12, quoting Psalms) God knows your pain, knows what you've been through, & He has promised to never leave you, even if you choose to leave Him.  Don't forget that part--*HE*, for HIS part, will never leave you, but, should you truly so desire, you can leave Him.
God desires that *ALL* go to heaven, but, alas, many will CHOOSE not to.
It's a *CHOICE* you can make, it's a *BATTLE* you can win.
The battle over sin, *IS* a battle we can *ALL* win, not just you. 
REPEAT:  this battle *IS* winnable;   don't be deceived!
But, the first step to win any battle, is to correctly identify the enemy.     As Paul has said, "our battle is not against flesh & blood..."   
Even though it may seem like it, people are not our enemy, satan & his hosts are.   This battle does not occur on a physical battlefield, but, in your mind.
That's why Paul says:
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Remember, satan's greatest weapon against you, is *DECEPTION*.   
Your defense against him, starts with the helmet of Salvation (Roman 6) & the first thing to put on, is TRUTH.  Once you start believing the *TRUTH*, & make sure your salvation (you're still alive; you still have God given *CHOICE*;  the devil hasn't won yet!)  you're on the way to winning the battle.   If you're not sure of your salvation, if you'd like to get right with God, but don't know how, feel free to contact me.
Remember, *YOU* have the CHOICE.

I pray I see you in heaven one day, my friend.

[ThyWillBeDone]

I have a slightly different take on this.     The original post addresses the issue of sex drive.  Having had some relationship experience, & yet still being a virgin myself, I can tell you:  there's more to the physical aspect of relationships, than just sex.  Sex is a *HUGE* part of western culture, but if that's *ALL* you have, then your relationship is closer to that of a prostitute with a client.    There's another physical aspect to relationships, besides sex, & sexuality.    In fact, this part was much more common in the older days, before "sexual harassment" became such a big deal.   Personally, what I miss most about the physical aspect of relationships, what's hardest for me to deal with (re the physical part) is affection. 
Women can get hugs from other women, but did you never notice how hard it is for *GUYS* to get hugs & touches from other people? 
Even in the *BIBLE* this was encourages, *WAY* more than it is now.  (nowdays, affection outside of marriage or dating is frowned up, & considered weird, or "gay", etc.)
SO, what would they say to:
"Greet one another with a kiss of love."   ()
This is just one example.  (1 Peter 5:14)

How do any of you, & I'm especially interested in hearing from guys, b/c women often can get it from other women---how do you deal with the absence of affection?    [affection defined here, as loving, caring, non-sexual physical touch]
This would apply especially to those who've been in a relationship where it was present (in a good way!) *OR*, to those who haven't been in such a relationship, but, long for it very much.
(Hugs, holding hands, a gentle touch, a pat on the back, affection can be shown in countless ways)

[Hawk]

"How do you deal with the absence of affection."

I don't think about it until I'm with my family and can bear hug my young nephew or squeeze my mom's shoulder or get into a mock fight with my brother, complete with fake punches. Then I realize what a nice thing I'm missing.
Better yet, it's great seeing the siblings' pet dogs and cats. They appreciate being touched.
I don't think anyone's denying or forgetting the importance of affectionate nonsexual touching. It's just that there's no God-approved way to experience sex without a marriage partner.

[ThyWillBeDone]

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a family like yours.

Yes, pets can be great (if you live in a place where they're allowed) but, hopefully you know, that they're no substitute, for love & affection from another human being.

There may be God-approved ways for affection outside marriage, but, for some of us singles, it's nearly impossible to find...       In fact, from experience, I'd say, MANY of us singles...
I don't know about you, but, in my experience, most people consider affection "inappropriate" for friends.  That's why there's so many different kinds of relationships now---people have a hard time defining what they want, & when they do know, they have a hard time getting it. 
 People in the world today, equate sex, & love, but, that assumption is FALSE.  I've personally known many women, who wound up having SEX, & all they *REALLY* wanted, was to be LOVED, & to have AFFECTION, companionship, & a (close) FRIEND.

I'm reminded of one of Mel Gibson's movies, where he stops & talks to a prostitute, & after he pays her, he tells her he wants her to spend a few hours with him watching the 3 stooges.   (she's like, "are you serious?)
Even for men (contrary to the popular society "image"!) there is more to relationships, & marriage, than just sex.    More than most of us can find, as singles.
I'm not saying sex is wrong, I'm simply saying, there is more to the benefit of marriage, & a lifelong relationship, MUCH MORE, in fact, that is difficult, or impossible for singles to obtain.    Even more to the physical part.   Look at some of the other topics on here.   Why is it that time IN PERSON time is so important to a relationship?  (even if they don't have sex!)
Why is it, that you enjoy spending time your family *MORE* IN PERSON than you do talking on the phone, or anything else LD?
There is something about a physical presence, of a loving caring PERSON (yes, pets are nice, but, I don't think they fill the same need) that meets a need in all of us.    People in happy marriages say their spouse is their best friend. WHY?  B/c, spending time together (in person) meets a need in both of them, physically, & emotionally, that nothing sexual can meet.