A part of my heart is praising God and so thankful...so joyful...feeling a sense of peace. Another part of my heart is hurting...grieving. It is hard to not ramble. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind. I'm having a hard time putting them into some kind of logical order.
It is nineteen weeks today that my mom died. Last Thursday we had to put my dad in hospice. Since the ending of last May my dad's health has steadily been declining, but it has become more rapid these last 133 days. My parents had been married 63 years. There was a time where their marriage was difficult, but the last 12 years in particular I have seen how much my dad loves my mom. He has always been a man of his word, so even when the marriage was difficult he believed he was to honor his marriage vows.
At this time the doctors are unable to tell us what to expect - what to plan for. He hasn't really eaten since Easter. Since last Monday he basically has not eaten at all. Last Monday he had to go to the ER. He was put in the hospital. After being there a few days and failing a swallowing test and it was determined there was no "treatment" we made the decision for him to go to hospice - hopefully to get stronger. At first, one of my sister's did not want him to eat or drink at all, for fear he'd choke to death. I struggled with that and felt will then we are starving him to death instead - which is worse. She changed her mind. One doctor recommended if Dad wanted to eat he could, but only certain types of food. He has had small spoonfuls of vanilla ice cream (his favorite). But nothing substantial. He has had some ice chips and small amounts of water on a sponge. He slept all day Saturday, a good part of Sunday, and all of today. But Friday... was a miracle. A day to praise God and have so much hope.
The pastors at my church have been truly been showing the love of Jesus to my family. On Monday when my dad was going to the ER I called my church for prayer. One of the pastors I spoke to knew I'd be leaving that evening to another town to be with my dad and sister. He told me he'd meet me before I left or would meet me in that town to pray for my dad. I didn't want to tell him when I thought I'd be leaving because I didn't want to inconvenience him & have him drive to the next town. He kept asking and called before I left town so he could pray for my family. I finally told him when I'd be at the ER. Thirty minutes after I got there he arrived. He is a new pastor. I didn't know it at the time, but he lives in that town and commutes every day. At the time I didn't know that, so it wasn't as a big inconvenience as I thought, but he still after working all day, having a pastors' training that evening, then driving for an hour he still stopped by the ER before going home. It was around 9 when he got there and stayed for a while, maybe an hour.
On Friday after my dad had been moved to hospice one of the other pastors came down to visit my dad. When he got there Dad was sleeping so he just visited with my sister and me. At some point in time the doctor came in. He was encouraging about my dad's condition and encouraged us to let Dad eat - things like ice cream, applesauce... (I was praising God because that had been my pray - my sister hearing it from the doctor made her rethink her decision to not let him eat). The pastor had been there over an hour and decided to play some worship songs - traditional hymns - ones that hopefully my dad would have heard, know, and respond to. He did! As we were singing it looked like my dad began to smile. By the time we had sung 4 songs my dad woke up. We sat him up and moved him to a chair. My pastor began talking to him, reading Scripture, and giving him the gospel message. My dad become more and more alert. The look on my dad's face was amazing. His eyes were twinkling and (not to sound "corny'' or as if I'm trying to read too much into something) his face was glowing. The eye contact he gave my pastor was incredible. My dad was listening attentively. The Lord was using my pastor to minister & encourage my dad. At one time when we were talking about believing in Jesus and what Jesus did for us my dad said "I believe."
My dad has not been very talkative for a long time, even before Mom died, but even more so that last few weeks. But he was very talkative on Friday - speaking in sentences. It took a lot of effort for him and we weren't always able to understand what he was saying, but what he said made sense, but he was understanding everything we said.
All of the sudden he said he remembered the last time he saw my pastor he was wearing a suit. My dad was referring to the funeral. We didn't think Dad remembered the funeral because he has never talked about and he slept through most of it. But he said many things that all three of us (my sister, my pastor, and me) were certain he was talking about the funeral. Then we wanted to see if my dad would eat some ice cream. My dad responds better to males (the conversation with my pastor is one example) so I asked if he'd give my dad some ice cream. He said he'd be honored to. My dad sure did enjoy that ice cream. He only had a few bites but it was encouraging to see my dad enjoy the ice cream.
My pastor stayed for over three hours. The time went by so quickly. He did not over stay his welcome. The Lord was using him to minister to my dad. My dad really listened when the Bible was being read. My dad let him pray for him and asked if he'd pray for his brother. Lately, my dad has been calling out for his parents (who of course are dead) and his sister and brothers who have also died. He has one brother still living. That is the one he asked to be included in the prayer. To me this demonstrated a time of clarity.
After my pastor left my dad kept talking about the visit. The night before I had stayed with my dad at the hospital. Since I really didn't sleep I was really tired, so my sister stayed with him Friday night. I went to a hotel. I called my dad to say good night when I got there. He still was very talkative and was able to hear me over the phone (usually he can't). He was still talking about the pastor's visit and was telling me he wanted to continue "church" with my friend.
I can't think of enough adjectives to describe this truly amazing, incredible, marvelous, inspiring, joyful, indescribable miracle. My dad's ability to speak at that time and for how long he spoke, his ability to really listen, to joy on my dad's face is almost overwhelming. This truly was the work of a loving God.
Only God knows the true condition of my dad's heart. But I have heard stories about pastors going to visit someone on their death bed and the person verbalizes there is no God, they don't want to hear, don't want to be prayed for... My dad has never said no when someone has asked if they could pray for him. I can't remember if it was a verse that was read or a question that was asked, but my dad said, "I believe." The look on his face was beautifully encouraging. He listened as Scripture was read to him and explained. When asked if we could pray he said yes. I'm feeling in my heart that this touched my dad's heart in an amazing way because he talked about for 7 hours after my pastor left. He even said a few things about in on Sunday.
I'm not sure how much longer we'll have my dad. I can't imagine he can keep going without food or water. The doctor is saying his lungs and bowels sound good. He said he'd be able to tell us more tomorrow (Tues.) what to really expect. I don't know how much more he can endure.
I have so many mixed emotions. Having the thought "quality of life" is that even Biblical? God knows exactly how our life will unfold, He planned our days. He planned the day we'd enter this world and He knows the exact second we will breath our last breathe. We are told that there will be pain and suffering in this world. One reason why Heaven is going to be such a glorious place is there will be no more pain, death, or sorrow. As a Christian do we do everything possible to keep someone a life ~~ a stomach-feeding tube even if the doctor does not recommend it? Hospice philosophy is make them as comfortable as possible. Does that mean giving up and assuming death is the only outcome for now? I know eventually we all will die unless Jesus returns before we die. I know Jesus tells me not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough for me to worry about. God has everything under control, but I want our decisions to honor God. One of my sisters is so worried about everything. She is coming up with so many what ifs. She was even saying hospice is going to throw us out in ten days. I told her they couldn't do that and she got mad at me saying that they will. I asked the doctor today if that would happened and he told me no that how ever long my dad needs to be there and we are in need of their help. He even called my sister to reassure her.
My heart is rejoicing and so thankful for what I witnessed on Friday, but the pain I feel watching my dad suffer - to see the pain he is in, see him not eating, unable to stand on his own, becoming weaker and weaker my heart hurts so bad I feel sick. I am also seeing how wicked & evil my heart is. Last night was a hard night for him. He had a hard time falling back to sleep because of the pain he was in. He was moaning and groaning. Nothing I did helped. Everything we did (nurses) seemed to aggravate his pain. I felt stupid and useless. But as the night wore on I was getting upset with him and I am so ashamed to say...I felt angry. All I could think about was me. All I wanted to do was sleep. This is my father. I am supposed to honor him - love him. Makes me question how real is my relationship with Jesus. My dad couldn't help it, but I could. I chose to sin. I chose to be let my selfishness turn into frustration & anger - that's not love.
My dad has always said he did not want to go to a nursing home. It is getting harder to care for him. He requires 24 hour care. He cannot be left alone. It is getting harder and harder to lift him. It takes more than one person. I am not very strong and I'm not very tall. I have an extremely hard time even helping others to lift my dad. He has fallen several times. My sister who has been the main care giver talks about when he comes home. She retired from work to care for him and let go of all the help we had hired. There is no way she can be there for my dad 24 hours a day seven days a week. She says she can do it and maybe have someone come in every once in a while so she can do a few errands. If it was a challenge for seven of us - how can one person do it full time? I don't want to doubt God - His ability to do things, but I am having a hard time believing he will be strong enough to come home. When I think like that it makes me question my love for my dad. Am I wanting him to die because things are becoming increasingly more difficult? I am sickened by my ugly, sinful, selfish, unloving heart.
But this sinful, wicked heart is praising God for Friday and how he used my pastor to minister to my sister & Dad. I praise Him for how encouraging it was to me. With God ALL things are impossible indeed.
Please pray that God will continue to guide us with our decisions. Please pray that God would relieve my dad's pain. Please pray that if it's God's perfect will He'll heal my dad. Please pray that the Lord will comfort my two sister's. Please pray that God guide me with my decisions (I have not been to work since last week). Since the doctors aren't sure at this point in time what's going to happen I don't know how long I should not go to work. I want to be with my dad as much as possible even if he is sleeping, but the school year is almost over and there is so much to do, but my dad is my dad. We are never ready to say good-bye and probably will have regrets regardless, but I don't want to purposely do things (like how I acted last night - I'm so ashamed even though I asked God to forgive me).
Back to my rejoicing heart. Those of you that have been praying for your family's salvation for a long time...do not lose heart. God cares for them more than you do. He desires more than you do for them to repent and trust in Jesus. Again with God ALL things are possible and He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly far beyond what we can think or even imagine. Hope my ramblings made sense.
