Encouragement

[Nancy]

I haven't posted for quite a while, so maybe I should give a brief re-introduction.

I'm 47, never-married, and I attend a church with lots of married couples and lots of kids. I have often prayed for God to keep me single if that's how He can best use my life for His kingdom plans. It is my heart's desire, but that doesn't mean it's always easy.

I've prayed that prayer again today, from my heart, and with tears because it's a hard prayer to pray.

A while after praying that prayer, I happened to come upon a prayer I wrote/prayed in my journal last year, which really expresses the desire of my heart - "I've said it to You out loud, but I'll write it in here. If You can use my life best as a single woman, then that's what I pray for. Open my eyes to more of the specialness of being set apart for You, so that whether it's for a season or for the rest of my life, I won't miss out on any of the specialness of being set apart for You. If You want to bring marriage to move me into another way of serving You, then I pray for that. ... I pray for the contentment to accept either one as joyfully as the other."

Regardless of whether someone has prayed for singleness, or whether God has sovereignly chosen singleness for us, I really wanted to encourage all of us to pursue knowing the specialness of being set apart for God.

Please don't forget the part where I said I know it's not easy. I repeatedly go back to God to settle me in this, because I can easily get unsettled. I'm not offering this encouragement without knowing the struggle. I'm offering this encouragement challenge because I don't want us to miss out.

[Fern]

Wise words of encouragement, Nancy, and they hit at the heart of what this site is all about. It's easy to wait our lives away, rather than living in the now pouring ourselves into what God has given us to do today.

I've often said that happiness is a byproduct, not an end in itself. It's not gained by being married, or not being married, but by being fully in the center of God's will and accepting it as God's plan for me for today.

Good to "see" you again, Nancy. So glad you posted.

[Nancy]

I'm often tempted to feel like I'm missing out because I'm not married. But it was interesting to hear myself tell a friend today that I don't want to miss out on this life I have now by giving in to lies in my thinking aimed at my singleness.

It was really interesting to hear those very same words come out of my mouth - "miss out" - and realize even more deeply and profoundly, that's the true missing out danger in my life ... missing out on the specialness of being set apart for God.

I was going back through some old journals within the last few days, and came upon some quotes I had copied from past articles of yours. They were incredibly encouraging, and I'm glad I copied them. The past few days have been tough because my church is having a strong focus on marriages coming up, and it set off those old lies in my thinking.

But I'm so thankful that God knows my heart. I recently read a fiction book in which a character has gone blind. She was praying and believing for God to restore her sight. And then she made a bottom-line statement that really resonated with my heart - she basically said to God, it's okay if I stay blind for the rest of my life, because all I really want is more of You.

[Rx]

Great to hear from you Nancy.
 
You reminded me of this:

An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs
from 1 Corinthians 7.

Sounds like Jesus words from Luke:
"wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?"

Can't be a ton of profit in any other pursuit that I'm aware of.

[Fern]

Nancy, I know churches mean well when they have a focus on marriage, but I wonder how many pastors realize the ramifications for those who are not married, especially when it is part of the normal worship service that everyone attends.

I can't help but think that if more emphasis was placed on a personal committed relationship with the Lord, rather than on specific human relationships, that every person's life would become more effective, as well as more marriages saved. I fear that a focus on marriage ends up being a focus on *my* personal needs, even for the singles who are listening in, and little is accomplished in the long run. Many marriages are in trouble these days, there's no doubt, but it doesn't seem that all the many marriage seminars and "focus on the family" type of ministries are making much of a dent. Constantly peering inward rather than outward, whether we're married or single, is never very profitable.

Anyway, I digress, except that I think the same remedy is needed for both marrieds and unmarrieds who are struggling with discontentment: a commitment to deepening our relationship with the Lord, and a realization that our relationship with Him is what brings us the deepest satisfaction in life.

[Fern]

Can't be a ton of profit in any other pursuit that I'm aware of.

Really, this says it all, just much more concisely than I did!

[Nancy]

I agree with your bottom line statement on the pursuit of contentment. I know without a doubt, if it wasn't my singleness tempting me to discontentment, it'd be something else.

I sometimes think about Jennifer Rothschild (?), a lady who went blind in her late teens and who is still blind. In one article I read on her, she said she still prayed for physical healing, but she prays more for contentment. She said something like, "If I'm grumpy blind, I'd still be grumpy with sight."

I also often think about having emailed a friend about some struggle I was going through. She emailed back what she was going through and, even though it was an entirely different circumstance, it actually was the same root struggle. She called it "same struggle, different details."

"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

[C_Ruth]

Amen.

Our contentment isn't from our circumstances, but from our heart and commitment, and relationship with God.

His plans for us in each season of life are the ones He knows are the best.  We can't "miss out" on the best when we walk in obedience with Him.

[shea4Him]

It's been a while for me too, Nancy.  Just wanted to say hello and thank you for your great post.  I remember Paul's words about finding content in whatever state he was in.  So true.  The discontent has nothing to do with being married or unmarried but more to do with not trusting God, for whatever reason.  It's taken a long while for me to get here but praise God, I made it.  Good to see you and others have too. 

[Nancy]

Thanks, Shea4Him. Your message was really encouraging. I pray God will make us all more solid and sure in this truth, make our footing sure, and then take us on to climb to higher places. Meet you in heaven!

[sonjat73]

Nancy, thank you so much for your post. I find myself in a similar situation... small church with lots of marrieds and kids where I am the oldest single woman (36) of only a few. I am recovering from a broken heart where God has told me he rescued me for Himself, that the glory for my learning to trust Him and grow in Him would not be because of man. He has not said I will never be married but He mercifully saved me from going after my heart's desire for myself.

Your words are very helpful and encouraging. He is contentment. He loved us first. It is not easy to walk this walk but He has given us Christ who walked this earth and He has given us each other.

May we be like Anna and found in the temple no matter our life circumstance.

[Daniela]

Thank you for the words of encouragement Nancy. I'm 37, never married, and I would never ever thought that I would still be single at this age when I became a baptized member of my church in 1995. And yet, the Lord has used these 15 years to teach me a lot of valuable lessons. I truly believe that He allowed me to stay single as He was able to lead me in amazing ways and give me lots of opportunities I otherwise wouldn't have had - especially in the last 6-7 years.

The thing is that I would really like to get married eventually, and I never felt more ready for this step. But it's very hard for me to live my life with the outlook that I may have to stay single, as statistics don't really speak in favor of fulfiling my desire. I know, a husband will not give me the ultimate fulfilment in life - it's only the Lord who can fulfil us. But isn't He the one who planted this desire in our hearts? I mean, if I didn't really have the desire to get married, I would understand, but isn't it a legitimate request, as the Lord Himself said "it's not good for man to be alone"?

Another thing that has been boggling my mind is a verse in Proverbs, where it says "rejoice in the wife of your youth... " This implies that marriage is part of the blessings that the Lord gives us for the time when we are young. Well, but I'm not really young anymore!

I'm really trying not to be negative and to fully in trust in God's perfect guidance and timing. In fact, I would really like to become busy in the Lord's service, so that I can bless others and be blessed in return.  Doors for ministry opportunities have been opening for me, but it seems that nothing really materializes.

I really hope to be able to share some encouraging experiences with you in the future. Let's keep each other in prayer - all who are longing for living a purposeful life - in whatever state the Lord may call us to be right now!

[Nancy]

Thank you for the challenge & encouragement for us to all be praying for each other. I appreciate that, and I know we can all use the prayer support.

I'm guessing there are probably people in many different situations who will come upon a verse and ask God, "What do I do with this verse?" I know I have, too.

With the desire to be married, I've sometimes thought of how that desire will ultimately be fulfilled in heaven. Same with many earthly, good, desires - the desire for a dad, the desire for siblings, the desire for physical healing. All of them will have their greatest, real, ultimate fulfilment in heaven. So even if someone doesn't have those things on earth, they don't miss out on the real thing in heaven.

It's tough to keep that focus sometimes, but I do know it's the truth. What we see here on earth is a picture of the reality in heaven, and no believer will miss out on the real thing in heaven.

I pray God will strengthen us to walk steadily with Jesus, enjoying His company and living the adventure of being His disciple. It's so easy to turn to the side and look at what someone else has.

You know when Jesus tells Peter the way his life will end, and then Peter sees John and asks Jesus, "What about him?"

When I do that with people who have the life I wish I had, I'll sometimes picture Jesus saying to me, "Oh, Nancy, what does that have to do with you?" I don't picture it as a harsh rebuke, but I picture Him genuinely caring that it bothers me.

And then I picture Him saying, with a really neat smile, "C'mon. Follow Me!" as He excitedly motions me to follow Him, and then shows me something He has just for my life. And it's something so perfect for me and so special to me, that it makes me forget about everything else.

That's how I picture the life He's chosen for me looks to Him.

[Nancy]

One more thing, Daniela. I forgot to tell you about a funeral I went to recently. It was for a man who was a solid believer, a kind and gentle man, who didn't marry until he was 57. He married a woman who hadn't married before either.

That was very encouraging to me, to be so clearly reminded that nothing is impossible with God.

A friend of mine got married a few years ago when he was about 42, and he married a woman who had never married before. She was 40 when they married. God's the only One who knows why He didn't bring them together sooner. They met through God leading my friend to attend the church his future wife was attending.

Just know that nothing is impossible with God. No, He doesn't bring marriage for everyone, but please keep remembering that nothing is impossible for Him.

[joyous]

To all of you -- Nancy, Fern, Rx, C Ruth, shea4Him, Daniela, sonjat73, & others... this is a great thread -- very encouraging!  As you said Fern, it's what PS is all about -- "to inspire, encourage, & support" one another.  For me, agreeing with someone about "how unfair God is", is not encouraging, it's not helpful & won't help me grow in my relationship with the Lord.  For me, it's sinful because it's not giving reverence to the Lord.  It is speaking lies about Him.  When I complain or blame God for things it truly shows what is inside my heart. 

Nancy, you wrote about once praying for God to keep you single if that is how He could use you best.  People do watch.  Here on earth we probably will never know whose lives we touched or whom we were an example to.  Hopefully, we are a godly example.  There are times I hope others don't look at me & think, "Gosh, that's what a Christian is supposed to be like, glad I'm not one.  Hope I'm not bitter & unloving like her.  God isn't taking very good care of her.  Listen to how she complains."  Hopefully when unbelievers look at the life of any believer (single or married) they see the joy of the Lord -- they see His peace  -- they see His love radiating out through each and every believer. 

When I was a new, young believer I prayed that the most important thing to me was seeing all my family members saved.  I was willing to give up being married if it meant they'd get saved.  I'd rather have my family become Christians than be married.  Maybe I was trying to manipulate God, I don't know...  I'm not saying that is why I am single today.  God has His reasons.  I just need to remember He has a plan for my life, that plan is good & not evil & He uses all things to work together for the good & to mold me into the image of Christ.  However, marriage isn't what life is all about.  It's about having a relationship with Jesus.  And that is kind-of what you said Fern when you said we should focus on our relationship with God instead of with humans.  I meant that prayer way back then & still mean it today. 

I have always remembered I prayed that, but soon after my mom died & I was grumbling about some things -- envious of how much my dad loves my mom & I'll probably never experience that... God brought it to my remembrance of what I once prayed.  My thoughts were, "Am I angry at God because I'm not married?  Am I blaming Him?  Am I saying I'd rather have my own comforts?  Maybe God is answering my prayer & I'm mad at Him?  How twisted is that?  What if I did have to decide between being happily married & my family's salvation?  Would I choose marriage because I don't like being alone?"   I know God does NOT work that way, but it does show the condition of my heart.  Is marriage truly THE most important thing in this world?  Look how many people are trying to get out of a marriage they are in.  They went into that marriage in love, full of high ideals, intending it to last forever.

Why does it seem we are so quick to blame God for "bad things", but we are soooooo s - l - o - w  to notice & thank Him for what He has given us.  Why isn't it ever good enough?  If anything I should be careful what I pray for -- again I'm not saying this is why I am single.  What I am saying is another person coming to the saving knowledge of Jesus is more important than I get the things I "think" I want in life.  God knows what is best for me, not me..  That's what trusting Him is all about.   

Fern, you also talked about not "waiting" our lives away.  Again, when I was young one of the very much older teachers (in her 70s) over heard another young teacher and I talking (we both were in our 20s).  We were excited about a holiday coming up still weeks away.  She said, "Don't wish your life away."  At the time I thought that was a silly thing for her to say -- didn't understand it.  But now, that I am old  ... I understand what she meant.  It's a waste of time to wish for or wait for things that may never happen.  God has given us today -- we are not guaranteed tomorrow  -- we are to live for today using what He has given us.  Am I going to waste time crying over what I don't have?  If I'm not grateful for the "small" things God has given me, do I really believe I will be thankful for other things He gives me?  Am I only going to love Him & be thankful if He gives me what I want?    If I am then my love towards God is conditional.  I'll only love you God if you do for me & do what I want.  God wants me to respond to Him out of love because of His mercies toward me -- forgiving me of my sin -- not to respond to if and only if I get what I want.  God doesn't exist to make my life happier or trouble-free.  I exist to bring Him glory. 

Many times when I am wallowing about what I don't have I think of others who really are less fortunate  -- those who live in 3rd world countries & either have never heard the gospel or it is against the law to go to church, to believe in Jesus, to read the Bible.  What they would give to be able to read the Bible daily & not fear their lives.  Again, for those in 3rd world countries their daily concerns maybe will they have clean water to drink today or will they eat today.  Will they get to choose what they are going to eat or how much?  They truly are struggling with daily needs that so many of us take for granted & get angry with God because we don't have ________________________________.  For me, thinking of others less fortunate puts things into perspective.  By the grace of God that could be me.

As you said she4Him, Paul said that he learned to be content.  He had many unpleasant things happen to him -- didn't have an easy life.  He didn't learn his contentment by receiving everything he wanted or prayed for.   Learn means to gain knowledge, to discover, to find out, to experience, to come to realize.  I don't know about you, but my experience has been I don't learn things from having an easy life & everything given to me on a silver platter.  My experience has been we want what we do not have and we have what we do not want and we are unhappy and then blame God.

Why in the world would God hold back something good for us if He gave us the ultimate perfect gift- His Son.  Is marriage more important than having our sins forgiven & eternal separation from God?  For me it boils down to what am I putting my trust in?  Am I putting my trust in a sovereign God who loves me or am I putting my trust in my job, my income, my retirement, another person to take care of me???

As you said Nancy, nothing is impossible with God.  And Matthew stated it as "with God ALL things are possible."    No one knows what the future holds.  But we do know who holds the future and that is God.  Statistics don't hold the future either.  That is man's "reasoning".  Makes me think of Col. 2:8 "Do not let anyone lead you astray with empty philosophy and high sounding non-sense that comes from human thinking... and not from Christ"  (NLT)    God is greater than any statistic.  Just think, if someone old like me finally does get married  .... ALL the glory goes to the LORD  -- it truly will be a miracle! 

Some of us posting here at PS may some day be married regardless our age.  But until then let us consider how to encourage one another to love & good deed & continue to become more like Jesus & praise Him for what He has given us  -- this forum to remind us what God has said -- to remind us to think about things that are true & to not listen to the lies of the enemy.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend.